Broken record (Season 2)

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am once again talking about the guy that I talked about in my last post and all the drama that ensued.

I walked away.

Yes, I know I’d said it in the other post, but it took much longer than that.

So, what, you may ask, am I now talking about, since I already walked away?

A friend had hinted to me that this guy was ‘cheating’ on me. Cheating is not quite the word, really, considering that we weren’t even in a committed relationship; but it’s the only word that comes close. I didn’t quite believe it (more because he adamantly denied it), but some days ago I saw it with my own eyes…the familiarity in the touches and embraces. I was shocked to say the least. The other bit was that she was my friend.

To be fair, I kept our ‘relationship’ such a secret so maybe she thought it had ended a while before. I am too confused to wrap my head around it…and even worse,  don’t want to admit that I was hurt and that I had something with this guy. Clearly it was more serious for me than it was for him.

I am so tired of this broken record that is my ‘love’ life.

Another one bites the dust!

And so after much deliberation and torturous thought processes on whether or not to say yes to this guy who had asked me to be his girlfriend, I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted. I was only hesitating because I was feeling like he is the only one who would ever ask me out and want to be with me. Indulge me a little…I have liked several guys but none have come as close as this one has, close to actually committing to me. So I was deliberating seriously if I could do without so many of the things I’ve always wanted in a guy…and on the other hand, the repercussions of saying no, including, but not limited to, eternal mockery of my spinsterhood and childlessness.

Anyway, when I realised that I was only considering saying yes because I was afraid of being alone, I figured that would be the worst insult to him. I should be with him because I want HIM not coz I’m afraid. So I decided to tell him my answer was no. I did it amidst a lot of mumbling on my part but eventually I got it out…and his reaction??? Relief. Yes, you read right. The guy was relieved.

He went on about how we both knew we didn’t want to be a couple, we were just delaying it coz we didn’t want to hurt each other. WHAT? Excuse me, WHATTTTT!??? All I could think was “what if I’d said yes??”

So he says of course we are friends because I’d asked if he still wanted to be friends, but can we still make out? Again, you read right. His major concern was making out with me. My shock was too much. But I kept telling myself that I wasn’t entirely innocent either, I’d considered being with him out of fear…remember…fear…you too are bad…and such mantras in my head to keep from going berserk.

The next day he asked me if I could give him a second chance. For what, you may ask? I asked the same question. He said, a chance with you. For what, again you may ask? I am also puzzled at what the chance is for. For making out? For … ??? I said I didn’t think so, not even quite sure what we were talking about really.

And that, my friends, is how another one bit the dust. (I know in the song by Queen they mean something else entirely, but this is my interpretation).

Here comes commitment

So.

Commitment is now on the table but I don’t know if I want to take it.

Do I want to be committed to him? Do I want to be with him?

Am I just a chronic commitment-phobe?

Oh don’t I hate this?!! Why didn’t I really see this coming? Denial is such a bad thing, it always screws me over.

Honestly speaking, I never really expected that he would want me, want to make an honest woman out of me (not marriage, relax). I thought this was just a bit of fun to him, just something to pass the time until something better came along.

So what was he waiting for? I’m riddled with doubt and distrust.

But I shouldn’t make him wait indefinitely. I need to be fair to him and really decide what I want or at least give him a timeline.

Being a grown up is such hard work!!!!!!!!