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Broken record (Season 2)

June 7, 2012

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I am once again talking about the guy that I talked about in my last post and all the drama that ensued.

I walked away.

Yes, I know I’d said it in the other post, but it took much longer than that.

So, what, you may ask, am I now talking about, since I already walked away?

A friend had hinted to me that this guy was ‘cheating’ on me. Cheating is not quite the word, really, considering that we weren’t even in a committed relationship; but it’s the only word that comes close. I didn’t quite believe it (more because he adamantly denied it), but some days ago I saw it with my own eyes…the familiarity in the touches and embraces. I was shocked to say the least. The other bit was that she was my friend.

To be fair, I kept our ‘relationship’ such a secret so maybe she thought it had ended a while before. I am too confused to wrap my head around it…and even worse,  don’t want to admit that I was hurt and that I had something with this guy. Clearly it was more serious for me than it was for him.

I am so tired of this broken record that is my ‘love’ life.

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Another one bites the dust!

November 3, 2011

And so after much deliberation and torturous thought processes on whether or not to say yes to this guy who had asked me to be his girlfriend, I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted. I was only hesitating because I was feeling like he is the only one who would ever ask me out and want to be with me. Indulge me a little…I have liked several guys but none have come as close as this one has, close to actually committing to me. So I was deliberating seriously if I could do without so many of the things I’ve always wanted in a guy…and on the other hand, the repercussions of saying no, including, but not limited to, eternal mockery of my spinsterhood and childlessness.

Anyway, when I realised that I was only considering saying yes because I was afraid of being alone, I figured that would be the worst insult to him. I should be with him because I want HIM not coz I’m afraid. So I decided to tell him my answer was no. I did it amidst a lot of mumbling on my part but eventually I got it out…and his reaction??? Relief. Yes, you read right. The guy was relieved.

He went on about how we both knew we didn’t want to be a couple, we were just delaying it coz we didn’t want to hurt each other. WHAT? Excuse me, WHATTTTT!??? All I could think was “what if I’d said yes??”

So he says of course we are friends because I’d asked if he still wanted to be friends, but can we still make out? Again, you read right. His major concern was making out with me. My shock was too much. But I kept telling myself that I wasn’t entirely innocent either, I’d considered being with him out of fear…remember…fear…you too are bad…and such mantras in my head to keep from going berserk.

The next day he asked me if I could give him a second chance. For what, you may ask? I asked the same question. He said, a chance with you. For what, again you may ask? I am also puzzled at what the chance is for. For making out? For … ??? I said I didn’t think so, not even quite sure what we were talking about really.

And that, my friends, is how another one bit the dust. (I know in the song by Queen they mean something else entirely, but this is my interpretation).

Here comes commitment

October 17, 2011

So.

Commitment is now on the table but I don’t know if I want to take it.

Do I want to be committed to him? Do I want to be with him?

Am I just a chronic commitment-phobe?

Oh don’t I hate this?!! Why didn’t I really see this coming? Denial is such a bad thing, it always screws me over.

Honestly speaking, I never really expected that he would want me, want to make an honest woman out of me (not marriage, relax). I thought this was just a bit of fun to him, just something to pass the time until something better came along.

So what was he waiting for? I’m riddled with doubt and distrust.

But I shouldn’t make him wait indefinitely. I need to be fair to him and really decide what I want or at least give him a timeline.

Being a grown up is such hard work!!!!!!!!

Intimacy without commitment?

September 30, 2011

OK, so I’m taking a break from my “non-starter chronicles” series because:

1. I’m bored and I fear I am boring you

2. I realise I have a major part to play in letting these guys into my life so I’m ashamed and embarrassed (OK not so much)

3. I have a juicier story for you!

So, I came across this article which really opened my eyes. OK, I’ve heard it before; if a guy is not committing to you, he is stringing you along as he looks for something better, etc. but reading it again just refreshed my memory. Do you find that you forget all the nuggets of wisdom you hear and need it repeated sometimes over and over and hit you over the head over and over until you finally get it? No? Only me? OK.

There is a guy who I believe is stringing me along. He has never asked me out on a date but we have kissed. Three times. Stop looking at me like that. We hang out and talk and text and call and share details of our lives but we never meet outside of (I don’t want to say it — fill in the blank). So what’s the deal? I don’t want to ask him about the never-meeting-outside-of-undisclosed-location thing. I have asked about the commitment and he gave me a load of crap about his unreadiness for it but he is planning to ask me sometime in the future. OK he actually did ask me after one semi-long make-out session but I said it didn’t count.

So, in actual sense, I don’t really want to be with this guy. He’s great, but not the kind of guy I would want to spend my life with. I know this, or rather my head knows this, but my heart is another matter. Everyday I try to have this resolve for I won’t smile at him, hang out with him, talk to him, I’ll be all business-like, but everytime I see him, I forget all my resolutions.

I refused to make out with him though becuase I don’t want intimacy without commitment. I also don’t want to open up too much to him, seeing as I’m not in a safe place with him.

How does one get rid of feelings of attraction???!!! How many times in my life have I asked this question when trying to get over someone? Why don’t I ever write down the solution whenever I succeed so I can refer to it at a later date?

I NEED TO STOP LIKING HIM SO I CAN MOVE ON!!

Please read the article I linked to and you’ll get my reasons for this panic. I’m too old for this *toot*!!

Non-Starter Chronicles – 2

August 25, 2011

Read Part 1 here

These ones are about some guy who I had liked or loved (still not sure which) for the longest time but I didn’t really know it and he didn’t really ever hang around long enough for me to find out which.

So this was when he had popped back into my life and things were not so clear, as always:

He is such a hoax…how can we be having the same conversations we were having a year ago after which he hooked up with his ex? Am I a fool to dare to believe in him? I will not be used and discarded. Never again. Not by him. Not by anyone.

Wow, so much passion and angst! I should write emo rock songs!

Anyway.

This next one was in a moment of longing but I am happy to report that I stood firm to my convictions!

I want to see him tomorrow but I can’t ask and there’s no way of making him ask me without it seeming obvious. He is so cocky about my feelings anyway. One weekend won’t hurt. I have a life anyway. I’ma do ME! 😛

Self-actualization, here we come!

Another note I wrote about him:

So now I’m just going to do me.
Am tired of being confused and feeling like a fool because I’m waiting around for him to do something.
Usually I’m so sane about these things. Why is this so hard? I need to talk to Papa about this…really talk.

It gets sadder…

What is this endless round-and-round? I’m resorting to ooh-ing and aah-ing at other people’s relationships, cheering them on in their mushiness and love coz clearly that’s not for me. At least not yet. Somehow I have to be okay with that. Somehow.

Realizations…

Sigh. This is hard. I don’t think I want to be with him. His disregard of me and my feelings. His financial instability. It’s so sad because it was supposed to be me and him against the world. God please help me let go.

Depressions…

Now I just want to get over this as fast as is humanly possible.
Maybe I sleep so much hoping I’ll wake up to a clean slate with no broken heart to carry around inside me, weighing me down.
I’m so tired of feeling; of caring; of thinking; of loving.

Angers…

Delete delete go to hell go to hell get out get out silence silence

Other depressions leading to indulgences…

Just had a glass of wine which I think has really gotten to my head, it feels heavy.
I’m wondering why he lies to me; gets my hopes up then watches me crash land. I can’t do this.
The bright side is he’s making it so much easier for me to let him go.

And just when you think this is the last note I wrote about him…

I wish I used to write the dates on these notes. It’s 15/2/11 and I’m over him. God can do anything; even the seemingly impossible. All that’s left are broken remnants of lost hopes and dreams. I can hardly wait till all that’s left will be nothingness.

…there’s another one…

I’ve never felt so empty and shaken like I did today morning, nor as nervous or as terrified. I was finally going to face my fears and risk looking like a drama queen, an insecure loser or a paranoid freak. I did it; it was liberating. I want to remember this feeling.

This last note was when I confronted him and told him all he had put me through because he was wondering why I had distanced myself from him (yeah, as if he was that clueless).

Phew. A record ten notes about one guy. Wow. That’s already half the notes, so this will be the longest post in the series.

Writing this has taken me back to that uncertain time full of unanswered questions and frustration. I’m so glad it passed. So, my message to you who is maybe in these shoes is this: this too can, and will, pass.

The Non-starter Chronicles – 1

August 19, 2011

So.

I keep meeting these guys who are interested at first and are all hot and heavy then later I guess they get bored or their fire runs out or….I really don’t know why this happens all the time.

So the following is a series of notes that I wrote in my phone in varying states of despair, fed-up-ness and realization. I wanna get them out of my phone permanently but still sort of keep a record, coz I’m sentimental like that and maybe one day when all is well and I’m happily married (that image is becoming more and more faded like those sepia photographs our grandparents used to have, but anyway, hope springs eternal), I can look back with a sigh and say “those were hard times but oh, look what the Lord has done!”, or something along those lines.

So I’m arranging them by the guy I was writing about at the time. Enjoy (or cry with me):

Note One (No guy at the time):

Hmmm…randomly writing a note in my bed reminds me of S (S is a girlfriend of mine).
Today was Y’s birthday and I didn’t even remember (Y is my ex-boyfriend), Just shows how over him I am. It’s now almost 3 years since we broke up, meaning I’ve been single for all that time. Yikes!

Yoyo woes

July 25, 2011


Yoyo

I am a yoyo.

How else can I explain how my feelings gravitate from anger to joy to smitten to annoyed and back again? Gosh, I so like this guy it’s getting to be highly un-funny. I thought it was just a crush and it would stay that way but OMG we are WAAAAAAAAAAY past crush at this point. I’m not happy about this.

I don’t really know what to do.

The sad part is this always happens. A guy I didn’t like talks to me and woos me (yeah, I know, who says ‘woo’ in this day and age? Me, that’s who!) and I’m all into him. Aaaaah. Please tell me all girls are like this and I’m not the only one. Please!

So now I’m thinking about this guy, getting mad when he doesn’t text me, giggling at his over-used pick-up lines, gawsh…

The thing is, I go through this heady phase and then bam! Cold treatment. Guy decides he doesn’t really like me or is not really interested after all. This mostly happens with the guys I know wouldn’t end up anywhere, which is like all the guys. I mean, I guy I wouldn’t date coz of reasons like he isn’t a Christian, or he is hot and cold, or drinks too much, or doesn’t treat me well..

I hope it never happens with a guy that is like really a good fit.

I seem to rambling. Signing off now.