Non-Starter Chronicles – 2
Read Part 1 here
These ones are about some guy who I had liked or loved (still not sure which) for the longest time but I didn’t really know it and he didn’t really ever hang around long enough for me to find out which.
So this was when he had popped back into my life and things were not so clear, as always:
He is such a hoax…how can we be having the same conversations we were having a year ago after which he hooked up with his ex? Am I a fool to dare to believe in him? I will not be used and discarded. Never again. Not by him. Not by anyone.
Wow, so much passion and angst! I should write emo rock songs!
Anyway.
This next one was in a moment of longing but I am happy to report that I stood firm to my convictions!
I want to see him tomorrow but I can’t ask and there’s no way of making him ask me without it seeming obvious. He is so cocky about my feelings anyway. One weekend won’t hurt. I have a life anyway. I’ma do ME!
Self-actualization, here we come!
Another note I wrote about him:
So now I’m just going to do me.
Am tired of being confused and feeling like a fool because I’m waiting around for him to do something.
Usually I’m so sane about these things. Why is this so hard? I need to talk to Papa about this…really talk.
It gets sadder…
What is this endless round-and-round? I’m resorting to ooh-ing and aah-ing at other people’s relationships, cheering them on in their mushiness and love coz clearly that’s not for me. At least not yet. Somehow I have to be okay with that. Somehow.
Realizations…
Sigh. This is hard. I don’t think I want to be with him. His disregard of me and my feelings. His financial instability. It’s so sad because it was supposed to be me and him against the world. God please help me let go.
Depressions…
Now I just want to get over this as fast as is humanly possible.
Maybe I sleep so much hoping I’ll wake up to a clean slate with no broken heart to carry around inside me, weighing me down.
I’m so tired of feeling; of caring; of thinking; of loving.
Angers…
Delete delete go to hell go to hell get out get out silence silence
Other depressions leading to indulgences…
Just had a glass of wine which I think has really gotten to my head, it feels heavy.
I’m wondering why he lies to me; gets my hopes up then watches me crash land. I can’t do this.
The bright side is he’s making it so much easier for me to let him go.
And just when you think this is the last note I wrote about him…
I wish I used to write the dates on these notes. It’s 15/2/11 and I’m over him. God can do anything; even the seemingly impossible. All that’s left are broken remnants of lost hopes and dreams. I can hardly wait till all that’s left will be nothingness.
…there’s another one…
I’ve never felt so empty and shaken like I did today morning, nor as nervous or as terrified. I was finally going to face my fears and risk looking like a drama queen, an insecure loser or a paranoid freak. I did it; it was liberating. I want to remember this feeling.
This last note was when I confronted him and told him all he had put me through because he was wondering why I had distanced myself from him (yeah, as if he was that clueless).
Phew. A record ten notes about one guy. Wow. That’s already half the notes, so this will be the longest post in the series.
Writing this has taken me back to that uncertain time full of unanswered questions and frustration. I’m so glad it passed. So, my message to you who is maybe in these shoes is this: this too can, and will, pass.
