Random poem I wrote when sitting at my desk at work feeling sorry for myself 
[This was yesterday...and today is different 
who knew!]
Well today I just want to sit here
And do nothing, say nothing
Feeling nothing
Just stare off into space and see nothing
Emptiness in my head
Thinking nothing
Well maybe today is just today
And tomorrow will be different
Or maybe the same
Either way I need something, anything
Different, new…just something
Why didn’t anyone tell me that having a roommate would be so much stress? Ok, they DID tell me…only I needed one for cost-sharing purposes. Smart move.
I kept telling myself we can get through anything but now I’m not too sure. She has been my best friend since we were kids, we’ve ben through a bunch of stuff together…but now the fights are getting a little too much. Her meddling mother, her lack of appreciation, her restlessness, it’s all just taking its toll on me.
Should we part ways for the sake of saving our friendship or should we stick it out and risk losing it all?
Is this how married people feel? I mean, you move in with this guy/girl for life, you’ve never lived with this person (OK, sometimes), and now you are supposed to get along and deal with all their issues, annoying habits and stress?
I don’t know if I can do this.
He’s Just Not That Into You.
That notorious movie that’s had women portrayed as pathetic excuses for human beings because they are all desperately stalking guys in that movie. I was so embarrassed on behalf of all women worldwide, and angry at all men in the same vein. I mean, why on earth would you act interested in a woman after a date then NOT CALL HER? WHO DOES THAT?
The worst was when they said the famous break-up lines/sorry excuses that guys use that are SOOOO played out:
You’re too good for me
I need to find myself
The guy who will marry you will be so lucky
Please someone pass the barf bag!
Anyway, I got really cynical for a while there. Oh, and the blind date guy didn’t call, just in case you were wondering. He texted about seeing me again but he didn’t commit to it. I wasn’t interested so that’s OK….but what if I was?
Then there’s a guy I used to like whe I was sixteen but I got over him but lately…..
Anyway, he NEVER calls. He tells my friends how much he still loves me but won’t say it to my face. He tells my friends how I’m too good for him.
Yeah, that movie opened my eyes.
I don’t communicate with him (since I’m always the first one anyways) unless I bump into him face-to-face.
But I’m troubled…where do I draw the line between cynicism/self-protection and being wise?
Sigh…
Have I have missed blogging!
A lot has been going on…chiefly, no access to the internet! Yes, you can stop gasping now. It was bad, like a desert…no water…must…have…water…..
Gulp! Now I can have the water!
Ignore that…
Anywho….so work is going ok, roommate and I going through the stage where there is a lot of tension because you discover there is so much you didn’t know about each other, and not all necessarily good things.
It’s been a hard week. But we’ll adjust I hope.
I guess all this has got me thinking about marriage. I mean, here you are, expected to play roommate to this guy for life. Especially if you have never lived with him…WHAT?!! You can literally go crazy or move back home! Ok, of course you can’t, and that’s the scary part. You have to stick it out. Through all the disagreements, fights, silences…you HAVE TO STICK IT OUT!
Finances, preferences, there is sooooooo much to fight about.
I guess some realities are hitting home.
Yesterday I went on a blind date for the first time in my life. Wow.
Even I’m surprised I went through with it.
It wasn’t mind-blowing but it was an OK date. I’m not attracted to him but he wants to see me again. I don’t know…
But I can now cross that off my list. I went on a blind date once in my life. It’s a big deal coz I’m not really a risk taker.
Now, to see what everyone else has been upto in blogosphere…
Wear your heart on your sleeve. When people see you’re real, they’ll fall in love with you.
Really?
That’s a scary thought.
I’ve been told that I’m an open book despite being an introvert (my first instinct is always to hide what I feel). I don’t think I hide it well though. I was walking home yesterday (to my new place, woop, woop!) when I met a guy I know and he was so surprised at my facial expression and demeanor and asked me what I was so sad about. Clearly I can’t hide my feelings very well.
I was actually sad, but I didn’t know it was showing. I guess I DO wear my heart on my sleeve. However, I tend to think it just opens me up to more hurt and not necessarily causes people to fall in love with me.
I am a sensitive person. It doesn’t also help that people can obviously see their words’ or actions’ effects on me. I had a hard time with an ex who couldn’t understand why I was always so easily hurt and emotional. I had a hard time trying to toughen up and be stronger and instead ended up beating myself up for being who I was. But I think now I’ve come to terms with who I am. I don’t like being easily hurt, I wish I was more carefree, but after many nights of crying to God and asking Him to change me from this sensitive person, I realised He made me that way for a reason.
How else would I be able to feel others’ pain and empathise with them if I wasn’t sensitive? How else could I cry with people and care enough for them to cry out to God for them when they are in pain? How else would I be able to feel others’ pain as my own so I can truly care enough for what they are going through?
So I guess I’m almost coming to terms with this sensitive, emotional being that I am.
But wearing your heart on your sleeve is risky business. Let’s see if it brings love my way.
