Another one bites the dust!

And so after much deliberation and torturous thought processes on whether or not to say yes to this guy who had asked me to be his girlfriend, I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted. I was only hesitating because I was feeling like he is the only one who would ever ask me out and want to be with me. Indulge me a little…I have liked several guys but none have come as close as this one has, close to actually committing to me. So I was deliberating seriously if I could do without so many of the things I’ve always wanted in a guy…and on the other hand, the repercussions of saying no, including, but not limited to, eternal mockery of my spinsterhood and childlessness.

Anyway, when I realised that I was only considering saying yes because I was afraid of being alone, I figured that would be the worst insult to him. I should be with him because I want HIM not coz I’m afraid. So I decided to tell him my answer was no. I did it amidst a lot of mumbling on my part but eventually I got it out…and his reaction??? Relief. Yes, you read right. The guy was relieved.

He went on about how we both knew we didn’t want to be a couple, we were just delaying it coz we didn’t want to hurt each other. WHAT? Excuse me, WHATTTTT!??? All I could think was “what if I’d said yes??”

So he says of course we are friends because I’d asked if he still wanted to be friends, but can we still make out? Again, you read right. His major concern was making out with me. My shock was too much. But I kept telling myself that I wasn’t entirely innocent either, I’d considered being with him out of fear…remember…fear…you too are bad…and such mantras in my head to keep from going berserk.

The next day he asked me if I could give him a second chance. For what, you may ask? I asked the same question. He said, a chance with you. For what, again you may ask? I am also puzzled at what the chance is for. For making out? For … ??? I said I didn’t think so, not even quite sure what we were talking about really.

And that, my friends, is how another one bit the dust. (I know in the song by Queen they mean something else entirely, but this is my interpretation).

Here comes commitment

So.

Commitment is now on the table but I don’t know if I want to take it.

Do I want to be committed to him? Do I want to be with him?

Am I just a chronic commitment-phobe?

Oh don’t I hate this?!! Why didn’t I really see this coming? Denial is such a bad thing, it always screws me over.

Honestly speaking, I never really expected that he would want me, want to make an honest woman out of me (not marriage, relax). I thought this was just a bit of fun to him, just something to pass the time until something better came along.

So what was he waiting for? I’m riddled with doubt and distrust.

But I shouldn’t make him wait indefinitely. I need to be fair to him and really decide what I want or at least give him a timeline.

Being a grown up is such hard work!!!!!!!!

Intimacy without commitment?

OK, so I’m taking a break from my “non-starter chronicles” series because:

1. I’m bored and I fear I am boring you

2. I realise I have a major part to play in letting these guys into my life so I’m ashamed and embarrassed (OK not so much)

3. I have a juicier story for you!

So, I came across this article which really opened my eyes. OK, I’ve heard it before; if a guy is not committing to you, he is stringing you along as he looks for something better, etc. but reading it again just refreshed my memory. Do you find that you forget all the nuggets of wisdom you hear and need it repeated sometimes over and over and hit you over the head over and over until you finally get it? No? Only me? OK.

There is a guy who I believe is stringing me along. He has never asked me out on a date but we have kissed. Three times. Stop looking at me like that. We hang out and talk and text and call and share details of our lives but we never meet outside of (I don’t want to say it — fill in the blank). So what’s the deal? I don’t want to ask him about the never-meeting-outside-of-undisclosed-location thing. I have asked about the commitment and he gave me a load of crap about his unreadiness for it but he is planning to ask me sometime in the future. OK he actually did ask me after one semi-long make-out session but I said it didn’t count.

So, in actual sense, I don’t really want to be with this guy. He’s great, but not the kind of guy I would want to spend my life with. I know this, or rather my head knows this, but my heart is another matter. Everyday I try to have this resolve for I won’t smile at him, hang out with him, talk to him, I’ll be all business-like, but everytime I see him, I forget all my resolutions.

I refused to make out with him though becuase I don’t want intimacy without commitment. I also don’t want to open up too much to him, seeing as I’m not in a safe place with him.

How does one get rid of feelings of attraction???!!! How many times in my life have I asked this question when trying to get over someone? Why don’t I ever write down the solution whenever I succeed so I can refer to it at a later date?

I NEED TO STOP LIKING HIM SO I CAN MOVE ON!!

Please read the article I linked to and you’ll get my reasons for this panic. I’m too old for this *toot*!!